If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too