In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
