Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.