Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

three things we don’t talk about

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Somedays I just love AI so much