Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*