In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
you’re not fooling anyone
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Social Media and Real life
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you