In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
the prophecies have been fulfilled
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Spring of Deception
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE