Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

I found your tweet-up…

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time