In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.