Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”