In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
What’s the point buying it then?
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My birthstone is kidney
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
how to have an accident 101
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.