In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
rebranding
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.