In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!