In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
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Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
it’s the silliest best thing
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me