Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Social distancing in Australia:

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

😭😭

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…