In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Lmao 🤣
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.