In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
You Might Also Like
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.