In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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The Assassin.
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.