In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.