in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
We found love in a hopeless place.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*