in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
58.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend