Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.