in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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Just me?
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The internet is magic sometimes.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
spot the difference
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes