Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one