[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
You Might Also Like
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Expect the unexporcupine.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Möther may I have a snäck
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Best mom ever 😂
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
