[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
You deplete me
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.