In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My biological clock is wheezing.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.