In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
S M O L
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
President The Rock Obama
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.