Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and now we wait

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

#parenting

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”