In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
From my Mom
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Most fashion shows these days…
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t