In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested