In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
#JohnTravolta
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.