In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
You Might Also Like
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
