Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.