In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
dream blunt rotation
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster