In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head