In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
BRO LMFAO
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.