In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
💻🤡
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring