Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Pandas 🐼🖤

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine