In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Finally!
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
