In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.