Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.