In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP