Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …