In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Basketball
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Thursday
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.