Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.