Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.