In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Imma just leave this here…………
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
every college guy’s fridge
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people