In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
That earthquake could have been an email.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Strangers have the best candy.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Girl, same.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.