In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
You Might Also Like
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
tfw you realize …
This is my bus stop.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”