In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS