In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined