my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you