Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.