Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.