In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here