In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Danger is very dangerous
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.