In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
#merica
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…