*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
You Might Also Like
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I have a black belt in leather
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF