[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
pls suprot
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.