In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
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#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Always 🥴
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.