In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Yes
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
