Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

this is so top tier i cant

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK