In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes