Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

this year felt like being awake during surgery

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”