In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
You Might Also Like
my first dose meeting my second
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.