@robotmouthfarts
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@neilhimself
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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@robotmouthfarts
@WildeThingy
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
@KalvinMacleod
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
@HRH_Duke_of_Url
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
@merrittkopas
him: what are u wearing
me: I AM WREATHED IN VOID, AN EMPTINESS WHICH ADMITS NO LIGHT OR LIFE & SIGNALS THE END OF ALL THINGS
him: thats hot
@ArfMeasures
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
@IvoryGazelle
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
@heyitsJudeD
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
@TheToddWilliams
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
@TomSchally
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.