[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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#damn
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
the Monday after daylight savings
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it