Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

courtroom exchange of the day

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

only 11 steps left

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.