In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Hotels are back
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training