In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
You Might Also Like
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
How funny!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders