Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🐥🐣

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.