Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

They’re stuck in your pants?

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?