In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
look scared
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it